In the Bedroom

Posted in Marriage Monday, Sex talk with 19 comments

Well, I usually do my “sex talk” Marriage Mondays on the first Monday of the month, but since tomorrow is the first, I’ll cheat a little. ;) Who can wait for sex anyway?

Today I want to talk about setting the mood. Specifically, setting the mood in your bedroom. Now, the bedroom doesn’t have to be the only place you have sex. In fact, I encourage you to branch out and try different places (My friend J of Hot, Holy, and Humorous recently wrote a post with some suggestions…). But the truth is, most of us tend to stay in the safe place of our rooms 99.9% of the time, and that’s ok. The problem is, for many of us, our bedroom is nothing special.

As you saw in my spring cleaning post, I have been tidying up around here. I knew that I was going to write this post, so I wanted to make a point by making our room a priority in the list of things to clean. Well, then we found out that some friends were coming over… and you can probably guess the rest. Our room went from 2nd or third on the list to be cleaned to 4th or 5th as I needed to get any visible part of the apartment worked up first. And what happens when the rest of the home is cleaned first? Our room becomes the dumping ground for shoes, laundry, papers, and anything else that may be floating about. Oops.

What should be one of the most important places in our home, a place for intimacy and connection with our spouse, often and easily becomes our last priority and the hardest to keep up. But what if we changed that? What if we turned our bedrooms into a place we long to be instead of one where we only go to sleep? If we were drawn to the room where we had sex most, would it not increase the amount we are having? And if we are keeping a nice, peaceful, and enjoyable bedroom, then would we not have better quality sex, free from distractions and any stressors in our life?

But how do we go about this? How can our bedrooms go from clutter-filled chaos to a love-making sanctuary? Well, below I have some tips for every aspect of your room and how it can be improved.

  • The floor. First of all, keep it clean. When you are right in the middle of heading for the bed, in a fit of passion and excitement, the last thing you want to do is trip over that book you threw down the night before or that extension cord you are using to plug in all eight electronic devices that you check before bed (or is that just us?). If there is anything I can promise, it’s that a sprained ankle will not start off your sex experience well. Secondly, keep it soft if possible. Many have carpet in their bedrooms and that’s great, for those of you fancy one’s with hard wood floors, invest in a rug. It not only warms up your room, but gives you a bit of hope from receiving a concussion if you fall off the bed during sex…
  • The window(s). Your windows may lead only to a bush or tree in the backyard. If so, great. But if you are like our downstairs neighbors, your room may be visible to the entire complex/neighborhood and that is less than ideal. Buy some decorative window coverings that not only dress up your room, but block any curious onlooker from the outside. Even if you have blinds, curtains are often a necessity.
  • The dresser(s). Keep it cleaned off with clothes nicely tucked inside. This helps especially with us women who can easily have our minds wander from the task at hand if we see something that reminds us of a box on our to-do list. For example, having a pile of laundry piled high on top of the dresser may remind one or both of you that those clothes need to be taken care of. While it most likely will not make you stop all that you are doing at the moment, it will draw away from a precious moment you can have with your spouse, thus taking away from your entire intimate experience.
  • The nightstand(s). As with the dressers, keep them clean. But I also recommend having nightstands with drawers if at all possible. This allows easy access to anything you may need during your encounter… sex toys, lubricant, games, props, how-to books, you name it! ;)
  • The decor. Again, distractions can be a huge problem when making love. Keep your decor to a minimum while still having aesthetically pleasing decorations and pictures that will not take your mind off of the experience in which you are currently involved. We recently had a discussion that when children come along, we will not have pictures of them in our bedroom. For those of you with kids, you probably know how easy it is to only talk about them when you are out on a date or to constantly be thinking of whether or not their lunches are packed for the next day, if they brushed their teeth last night, or if you gave them that 16th kiss before they went to sleep that night. We want to make sure to focus on one another when in our bedroom and during our intimate times with one another. To us, that means taking out reminders that will drift our minds from that. Of course I realize that your children will always be on your mind no matter what and that this is a personal decision for us that some may not agree with, but do consider it. Ask yourself if it has ever gotten in the way before. Make the space as much about the two of you as possible, add romantic pictures of the you both (e.g. from your wedding) instead of others as much as you can.
  • The bed. Last, but certainly not least, the bed. It should definitely be a place that draws you in. Find a nice bedding set that appeals to both of you. Yes, ladies, that pink floral comforter is to die for, but if it’s going to make your hubby puke at the sight of it, just say no! Shop together to find a set that works for both of you. Girls, just tell your guy it will help with the sex, they shouldn’t have much of a problem with it! ;) Also try to look for bedding that is soft and nice to the touch. You don’t want to be rolling around on sheets that will give you rug burn! And pillows? I love them as much as the next girl, but control yourself! A few will do the trick. No one (especially guys) wants to be throwing off 3,000 pillows just to get it on. And please, do yourself a favor if you are sleeping in a double bed… save up and buy yourself at least a queen. If you have a king, we envy you!

So what are our key points here?

  1. Keep it clean.
  2. Make it about the two of you.
  3. Work on it being inviting to you both.
  4. Have sex. Often.

Get it? Got it?  Good.


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  1. Cherl

    Great post! A comment though about bed size. We have a king. We bought it a few years ago, when our marriage was not what it should have been. The space made it possible for us to go to sleep without knowing the other one was even there. Now, 6 months into make our marriage right, my husband makes fun of me ( in a good way) and says we need to go all the way back down to a double :). As far as the activity of intimacy is concerned the king is nice, but as close as I sleep to my man these days, the king is a waste of space :).

    • erinmbaxter

      Thank you Cherl! And thank you for your advice about the king! I wasn’t thinking about the sleeping part of the bedroom ;) but that’s a great tip! Cuddling up with your husband or wife while falling asleep is always good!

    • Pearl

      I totally agree, Cheyl! Kings are like a vast desert. You can never find the oasis of your hubby to cozy with!

    • Emily

      I was thinking the same thing when you mentioned a king sized bed… we had one when we first got married and I have to say I HATED it! I totally agree that you can sleep in those and not even know the other person left! It was great when our kids were super little, but now we try to keep our room just for us as much as possible so I really like our queen… even though the husband keeps hinting at another king :-P We shall see, lol

  2. Shea

    Love this post! My fiance and j are already looking into queen size instead of king or double. Thanks, erin’!!

  3. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

    I saw the subject in the first paragraph and thought “Oh no!” because I wondered if my upcoming post on the bedroom would conflict with yours. But I LOVE how you handled this. Such practical suggestions for making the bedroom an inviting place. Thanks, Erin! (And now I need to go get the piles of laundry off my bedroom floor.)

    • erinmbaxter

      Thanks, J! No,I hope it doesn’t seem like I was going against what you said at all either! I totally agree with you and hope that we can be so adventurous one day. ;) And no worries, I’m still working on cleaning our room… Sigh.

  4. Tina

    I laughed out loud when I saw the sentence about rugs and having somewhere soft to land if you happen to fall off…

    You are right! The bedroom seems to be the one place that’s catch-all (at least for me). I try to stash papers against the wall on my side of the bed so no one and my husband has to see it unless they come over to that side!

    Thank you for your tips!

  5. Paul Byerly

    Husbands need to understand that this is very important for most women because they are more aware of things like this. (Let’s face it, once we think sex, we guys don’t see anything else!) It makes a difference to her men, it makes it easier for her to get her head into bed with you, and that’s where you want it!

    • erinmbaxter

      So true, Paul! Thanks for speaking from a guy perspective. You’re right, for most men it is easy to be focused on the sex “task” at hand, but for us girls, it takes a lot more concentration. Distractions around the bedroom certainly don’t help! Thanks for the comment!

  6. Jason

    I have NEVER considered the size of our King bed before… but wow, that’s an interesting perspective – and some GOOD reasons to buy a smaller one! Gonna have to gently make this suggestion to my lady!

  7. Adam's Eve

    This is a great post! I definitely feel less stressed and more relaxed when the room is clean and inviting. And no, it’s not just you. We’ve tripped over cords/books/etc too when heading to the bed. Thanks for sharing.

  8. Carol

    I realize this is an old post, but still wanted to share our comical story. We used to keep our ironing board put up for use along the wall on my side of the bed. As I was gracefully getting out of bed after some fun, I somehow tripped and caught myself on the ironing board, but landed so hard against it, I basically bent the legs. Bedside is definitely not the best place for the ironing board, lol! We got a King size bed about 4 years ago. For years we spooned when falling asleep and I didn’t want the larger bed because I knew it would put too much space between us when we weren’t going to be in the best of moods. I finally adjusted to it, and for the most part, I sleep in the middle. It is very nice to have all that room when having fun though. I must say we would have also enjoyed all that room when our 4 children were little. We were piled up in that queen bed like birds in a nest sometimes, but this King size bed would make an excellent tickling ground!

  9. Missy

    We started our marriage skinny and with a full size bed. Years and a few pounds later had opportunity to get a king. LOL.
    We love it. It give us more room when intimate but as we get older (mid 50’s) we have completely different body temperature needs for sleeping. I need warmth and he needs coolness. Sleeping too close together would probably cause one of us to lose sleep.