I have had to wait for many things in life, but some are much different than others. For example, waiting in line for the restroom, which is terrible when you really need to go, is annoying but bearable. Waiting for Christmas or a birthday as a child (and maybe still today…) felt like torture, but is always resolved at an exact time. Waiting for that final grade in grad school nearly killed me, but here I stand with a new piece of paper hanging in our office, so it worked out.
All of these things are hard to wait for, but for the most part, they all had final results. They all had outcomes I could predict and know were achievable. All are somewhat controllable (I can’t move Christmas or my birthday, but I could move up the celebration, couldn’t I?). But sometimes we have to wait for things in life that are not so easy.
Sometimes waiting can be downright painful.
I know many people have faced this in some form or fashion. Some more serious than others. But what we currently are facing is something almost all married couples have to wait for.
Getting pregnant, while exciting, brings a feeling of helplessness I have never felt before. While you can do your part to “make a baby” it’s totally in the Lord’s hands. According to the CDC website, 10% of women will have trouble getting pregnant and/or staying pregnant. While this seems like a small number, it’s amazing how terrifying that number can be.
I shared about our miscarriage three months ago, which made our wait that much harder. As we pass the 6-month point with a waste basket full of negative pregnancy tests, our prayers get a little more desperate and our hearts a little more heavy.
There’s always a but, and this one is a good one.
But, while we feel helpless, we are not hopeless. While we sometimes worry, we know Who is in control. And while we can’t wait for the day we can celebrate and hold a child in our arms, we know that God’s timing is ultimately the best.
Unless you and your spouse choose not to have children, every couple has, is, or will go through this process. And while for many it is quick, even that first month can be a challenging wait. Add on the months, add on the struggle.
But I wanted to give you hope in what I have learned. I know 6 months is a very short time compared to many, and to those of you who have had a much longer wait, my heart and prayers go out, but for those of you considering children or going through this process, I hope what I have learned may help you in some way.
God is still there.
Sometimes this seems hard, huh? You know He is in your mind, but in your heart, it hurts. How could He make you wait so long? Why isn’t He listening? I can’t tell you why God’s timing is the way that it is… except that I know it is good and that it has a purpose. But in the midst of our waiting and in the midst of that frustration, He is there. He still cares and He’s still listening to our desperate prayers. Make this a time of connecting with Him rather than running away, because allowing Him to comfort you will be the best relief you can receive.
John 16:33 – “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Sex is not just to make babies.
As silly as it sounds, when trying for a child, sex becomes a means to an end instead of blessing of an experience with your spouse. It is easy to roll over to have sex when you know you are ovulating, but on a “regular” day? Forget it. But God created sex for both purposes. It’s ok to try for a baby and to specifically aim for ovulation days. He did say “Be fruitful and multiply (Gen. 1:28)” after all. But don’t let that be the only time in the month that you seek out your husband or wife. Many marriages have significant struggles when that first bundle of joy comes around. Allow this time to strengthen your marriage and not destroy it. Sex can be a great way to go about that.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5 ~ But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Your husband matters too.
Ladies, I’m singling you out here. Our guys most definitely want to be dads (if not, please talk about that) but for us it is usually a little different. When our maternal instincts kick in, we are ready and have being a mom on the brain. It is easy to get into already wondering if you will have a boy or girl, picking out names, thinking of nursery themes, and getting teary over infant outfits at Target (I swear they are going to kill me one day), but your husband, your best friend, is still there too. Include him and tell him what you are excited about and what you are worried about. Tell him what is happening with your body and allow him to be a part of the process. Don’t overwhelm him, but also do not leave him in the dust with what’s going on. This has been new to both of us but especially for Matt as I have researched a lot, talked to other women, and talked to my doctor. Sometimes I’ll mention a pregnancy related term and he’ll look at me like I just grew a horn out of my forehead. Take the time to let him be involved and make sure to give him just as much attention as you are giving to the hope of your future child.
Ephesians 5:22 – Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
Writing this one makes me cringe a little. Sometimes I’ll tell God: “It’s just so HARD to be anxious for nothing!!” I’m glad He can deal with me… But really, it is what He has told us and in that we can take courage. He is on our side, He knows what’s best, He knows the names of our future children and the futures that lie before Him. I know that raising children and giving them to God may be even harder than waiting for them, so I will take this opportunity to thank Him for preparing us. Anxiety only makes things worse. It does not allow your body to function properly, it raises your stress level, and it hurts your relationship with God as you do not surrender to Him. Trust me, I am preaching to myself BIG TIME with this one, but His command was for our own good. Ask Him for help, He’ll be there.
Philippians 4:6 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
This is a quote by Theodore Roosevelt and it is one of my favorites because while simple, it speaks a whole lot of truth in a whole lot of areas of life. With pregnancy in particular, it is easy to look at others and their journey and think “Hey, that’s not happening to me!” Often it’s when a friend gets pregnant first. We, of course, are thrilled for them, but it sets a longing pain in your heart when you can’t share the same news in return. Remember, God’s timing is different for everyone, and your child has a specific day to be born just as theirs does. He does not love them more, they have had their own journey, and their child is a blessing. When we compare, jealousy can occur and while that’s normal in this circumstance, it’s not ok to let it fester. Allowing jealousy to fester over another’s joyous occasion is not worth losing friends over. Celebrate them so they can also celebrate you soon!
1 Corinthians 10:13 – No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Overall, do not lose hope, my friends. I have written verses on my mirror, worn necklaces with special words, and recited scripture to remind myself of this very thing. God has a plan, He will not let us down. Trust in Him and know that He is good. And thank you to those that have been praying for us. We feel so lifted and can’t wait for the day we are able to announce our Bitty Baby B.
Romans 5:5 – And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.