10 Confessions of a Sex-lovin Wife

Posted in Marriage Monday, Sex talk with 12 comments

If you follow any of my fellow marriage bloggers such as The Generous Wife, Intimacy in Marriage, Hot, Holy and Humorous, or One Flesh Marriage, this title may seem familiar. Over the last week or two, many wives (and husbands too!) are writing posts about being positive about their sex lives. Well, I couldn’t let them have all the fun! So here we go…

  1. It’s gotten so much better. I will be the first to admit that the first few years of our marriage and sex lives were not too great physically. The intimacy was amazing, but physical struggles for me were rough. That’s a post I’m still getting the courage to write, but let me just say… God is good and it has gotten SO much better! If you are a newly-wed who is having sex issues, keep on keeping on! I speak from experience when I say it only gets better!
  2. I’ve learned that “no” isn’t an option. Telling your husband “no” when he asks to be intimate with you is like a slap in the face to him. It hurts more than you could imagine. To go forward no matter how you feel is being a true servant to your husband. Now, this is a two-way street. Matt knows when not to ask and wouldn’t put me in a hard situation if he knew I wasn’t feeling well or had a particularly hard day (though, those days can be the best for sex!) but respect for one another definitely goes both ways.
  3. I think my husband is hot. I thought so when I first saw him when we were 14 and over 11 years later.. well, that man ages well!
  4. I’m glad we waited. We were both virgins when we married and I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that. We both feel blessed that we are each others one and only’s and through God’s grace have been blessed by His gift of the marriage bed. For those that may doubt if it’s worth it, trust us… it is.
  5. Writing about sex is not always easy. It can be awkward. I mean, our parents often read my blog. People at my church come and tell me that they read my blog. So as I’m writing this I’m also thinking “Hm… well, now they know!” But if one marriage can be helped by it? SO worth it!
  6. Initiating makes it better. I love when my husband wants me but when I want him it makes it so much better. I’m already “on”, he’s happy, and the rest you can probably guess from there.
  7. Trying new things is hard for us. We are beyond comfortable with each other, but trying new things still has an awkwardness to it that makes it hard. Matt may not know this (until he edits this post, of course), but that’s one of my main goals for us going forward.
  8. God is in our bedroom. Sounds a little weird, and in all other circumstances I can tell you that I would not want a third party involved, but allowing God to guide us in the gift He created has been HUGE in our marriage. Especially at the beginning and now as we try for a child, God has been so faithful to keep us positive, to give us hope, and to keep our focus first on Him and then on one another. If you haven’t invited God into your sex life, I guarantee He will turn it up for you if you let Him!
  9. If things are better OUTSIDE the bedroom, they are always better INSIDE the bedroom. When we are sweet to each other in every day life, if we go into sex with no frustrations and without anger at one another, our time of intimacy is always great. Bring in frustrations and bring in a not-so-joyous time of sex. This includes more than just frustrations at each other. If we don’t leave our frustrations of life at the bedroom door it will interfere. I especially have to remember this one when going into sex. It’s time to shut the brain off and enjoy my husband.
  10. I’m still learning. I’m learning how I can be a better lover to my husband and how I can help him to be a better lover to me. I’m learning how important intimacy is to him and how important it is to our marriage. I’m learning that it’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. And I’m learning that just because it’s not perfect now does not mean I should get frustrated. We have our whole lives to practice!

If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll read the confessions of my fellow marriage bloggers that I linked to above. And please, make your own list! The more positive you become about your sex life and the more open you become with your husband and even others, the better your intimacy will become!


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12 Comments

  1. Kate

    Awesome list, Erin! Love #3 and #4. I too think my hubby is a hunk and love that just looking at him turns me on as well as has me praising God for this amazing man he has blessed me with!

    We too waited and were virigins before we married. I am eternally greatful for that, I do wish however that we had educated ourselves more about sex, intimacy and all that it entails. If I could go back, I would talk to a wife who had a sex positive marriage and ask some of those aukward questions. I believe that is a key and would have been a blessing. Even so, God has worked in our hearts and marriage. God is faithful!

    #10-Yes ma’am! I think this will be true for life and that is exciting to me!

    Thanks for sharing! :)

    Reply
    • erinmbaxter

      Thanks, Kate! I agree that waiting is great but it is SO important to have sex positive older influences in your life to walk you through during that pre-marital time! I’m thankful that both Matt and I had that and it made a big difference for sure! And that is why I am so passionate about talking to my pre-marital counseling couples about sex!
      Thanks again for the comment and for also writing a sex-positive list! I’m thankful to be doing ministry with you!

      Reply
  2. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

    These are wonderful, Erin! I love your take on this. I also think my husband is hot, and he’s aged WELL past your hubby. ;) I’m betting you’ll still enjoy gazing at your guy decades later.

    I love your statement that God is in the bedroom. I feel that way too. Now and then, I’ve told people that I have sometimes thought of God watching us making love, and 99.6% of them think I’m weird. Okay, maybe not that many, but even Christians don’t often consider that marital intimacy is blessed by our Heavenly Father and that it pleases Him when we are nurturing our closeness and enjoying His gift. Beautifully put.

    And yes, writing about sex isn’t always easy. I know that I have a cloak of sorts right now, but I write everything knowing that it will be attached to me at some point. And my family and pastor all have the blog address, so there you go. Another sex-positive Christian voice to combat the erroneous messages about physical intimacy is more than welcome. You’re doing a fabulous job! I love coming over here to Mystery32.

    Reply
    • erinmbaxter

      Thanks, J! Yes, God wants so much for our sex lives and for that I am so thankful! And I’m glad to know that sex isn’t always easy for you too! That definitely makes me feel better. ;)

      Reply
  3. Tammy

    SO happy there are sites such as this and the others linked here that folks can find. I just wish they had been around about 25 years ago, AND that I would have taken to heart the points made on each of them….better late than never, I guess, but-oh, so much time spent NOT doing marriage the way God intended. :(

    I facilitated a Ladies Intimacy class at our church and when we discussed “God in the bedroom” many of the ladies balked at that one. It’s amazing how we compartmentalize our lives and try to pretend God isn’t in “that” part of us. They thought I was looney for saying that I never really feel connected to the Lord, Creator of everything, like I do after being intimate with my husband. I hope by the end of the 12 week class that they were closer to that mindset than when they started :) They also thought I was a bit crazy for the statement that I made about “My husband also knows that I will not turn him down if he initiates with me, unless I am sick.” To which I then stated, “But, with us at this point, he would be so in tune with me, he would know before he even started down that track, and it would be okay”.

    Thanks again for sharing and praying that all that need your insight and wisdom will find you and be blessed beyond their wildest expectations. Slowly but surely, I think many Christians are starting to find bloggers/writers/websites that are turning their thinking around, at least, I pray it is so. Lord knows we need an “Awakening” as they say on the Marriage Bed Forums. Hopefully God will use it to energize our churches and homes like never before.

    Reply
    • erinmbaxter

      Hi Tammy!
      Thanks so much for your comment! I’m glad you found me and I, too, wish that I would have had resources for marriage earlier on! But thank goodness for the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association and all those committed to spread a positive outlook on marriage now!
      How awesome that you held that class! I can’t imagine what that did for those women and for your church as a whole! If only more churches would take on an “Intimacy class”!
      Thank you again for the kind words and I hope you will continue coming back!
      Blessings, Erin

      Reply
  4. Paul Byerly

    Great list – thanks for joining the many voices on this!

    When people at church look at you oddly just smile and assume they are jealous!

    Reply
  5. Dave2

    The Bible does tell us to go boldly, so don’t let the overly modest discourage you. My wife and I are working on building even greater intimacy in our married life. She is beginning to understand how my need for sex with her is not just about the physical release and pleasure. They are, of course, the icing on the sexual cake, but it is the emotional connection born out of he marriage act that is the real benefit. I am learning that I have to vigilantly invest in her intimate emotional needs for her to desire sex with me. And I do want her to desire it, not just submit to me out of a sense of wifely duty. (Yes, I know that is not what the Bible is talking about when it tells wives to submit to their husbands. Please, no admonishing replys.) I want her to want me as much as I do her is the bottom line. I gotta tell you, that’s a pretty tall order for her too because I am on fire for her. Some days I need sex primarily for tension or stress relief, some days for reconnecting, and other days I just want to devote myself to pleasuring her. I adore her so. She is my gift from God. There have been times during the act when I literally have thanked God out loud for the gift of my wife.

    I have posted on one of the other sites that I believe if the church would involve itself in intimacy instruction and sex education/counseling
    that the divorce rate within “churched” couples would go down precepitously. The two sexes are so diametrically 0pposed in so many ways when it comes to nurturing intimacy and being open about sexual wants, needs, and desires. We both sit around waiting to have our respective minds read and are disappointed and even hurt when our partner doesn’t seem to understand us or try to please us. I mean, after all, “we have been married all these years. S/he ought to know what I want, need, desire, like, get off on, and don’t like shouldn’t s/he?” It’s to uncomfortable or embarassing to talk about sex and the acts involved so we accept less than what God intended for us. The church needs to openly tell us it approves of sexual pleasure between a husband and wife and to encourage whatever bold dialogues are necessary to help strengthen the bonds between couples. Happy, fulfilled sex-lives result in happy, fulfilled marriages and Christians honoring the marriage covenant. God created woman for man so he would not be alone and created us both naked allowing us to visually appreciate the differences between us. I know that naked part is a tough one for almost all you ladies. Something for a later post. Then, with an impetuous sense of ironic humor, He created the male and female mind-sets for which I have forgiven Him so as not to endanger my salvation, but I still ain’t happy about it. ;-D. Keep fighting the good fight, Erin and you other ladies. You got guts putting you face up there girl, no hiding now. If I get blog savvy, perhaps I’ll join you with a soapbox site of my own musings and diatribes.

    Reply
  6. Andrew

    I am glad I found these blogs. As a pastor of a church, being able to counsel young couples or aged couples on all subjects is something I take very seriously. These blogs will be a great help in the future, (I hope you don’t mind a man commenting here). As a 53 year old, married for 28 years, my wife is 45, I have found that showing your wife you love her, telling her you love her (my wife likes to hear these words again and again), doing all the ”little things’ before being asked is possibly the best fore play to a woman. I have met many men who would rather gather with their mates than spend time with their wives and wonder why there is no bedroom activity. My experience has taught me that playing with the children (when they were younger, they are in their 20’s now), spending quality time with them, makes my wife’s heart glad. Lee has always told me I am the man she chose to have children with, that is special in itself. The word no was used more by me than my wife, so there’s a contradiction to some statements I’ve read, though denying her caused huge problems, I stopped doing that many years ago, I have learnt that my wife wants me often, that';s why she married me, she says, so, in finishing, don’t hold back, don’t be concerned about what others think or say is taboo in the bedroom, go for it and enjoy the intimacy, I know that I know, the intimacy, the loving, the fun just gets better with time. WHY, because over time you really, really get to know each other. In the Song of Solomon, there appears to be no ‘taboos’ regarding a man and his wife or a wife and her husband, in the bedroom, it is your relationship, your time, your sex, The act of intimacy actually gives us some idea of how intimate God Himself wants to be a part of our lives, Remember, the scripture says “I am in the Father, the Father is in me, We will come and live in you”, and “I am building you into a Holy Temple to inhabit by My Holy Spirit”. These are awesome words, and very intimate words, God bless you all and your families, may the peace and joy of Our Lord Jesus Christ be with you and fill you always.

    Reply
    • Erin Baxter

      Thank you for your comment! I do not mind men commenting at all! In fact, I welcome it and hope to gain more male readers because this is not a female only site! And I especially appreciate godly commentary so thank you for your words of wisdom and please continue commenting! :)

      Reply