WHERE are Godly women to go to learn about married sex?!?

Posted in Guest Post, Marriage Monday, Sex talk with 10 comments

Today, I am very thankful to have my friends and fellow marriage bloggers, Tiffani and Jason, guest post. These two have been married for 25 years and have a lot of wisdom to share! Make sure to check out their blog HERE.


We surely cannot go to the world! And we apparently cannot go to the church either. So, where are we to go when we desire to be better lovers with our husbands?

It has become apparent to me lately just how bad this situation is in many of our churches. We do our best to make sure that our youth and singles know to “wait until marriage” for sex and that anything outside of marriage is bad! However, we often do an equally lousy job of telling how GREAT sex should be in marriage. It’s a taboo subject. Men and women view this topic vastly different and this only compounds a very discouraging trend.

I will be the first to proclaim that most of this “knowledge” needs to come directly through the fun learning process between husband and wife and through the husband leading the wife. I will also proclaim that we parents need to do a better job of preparing our children for this aspect of their new lives just before giving them away in marriage. And, many of our churches really need to do a better job of teaching on this important and holy subject. But, what do you do when the world already has its’ influence clearly wreaking havoc in your marriage bed?

 

Titus 2:3-5
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may [a]encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

 

GOD designed sex in marriage! He thinks that it is holy and awesome! So should you! We older women should be encouraging younger women to love their husbands. And, most men’s first love language is SEX! Are we teaching the younger women that this is a Godly endeavor that they should rejoice in and learn with gusto? Or, are too many of our women still under the effects of the world’s teachings (it’s a necessary evil, don’t enjoy it too much or you are worldly, he should learn to control his urges, he needs to meet my needs first, etc.)?

 

The Greek word for “love” in Titus 2:3-5 is philandros.  We are to be attached to, fond of, and affectionate towards our husbands.  We are to be a friend and companion… loving as a friend.

Instead, what I’ve encountered within the church at large is that sex is something that we do not discuss (unless it’s in a negative way).  I personally hear more wives complaining about their sex life, and rarely are there any women stepping forward to correct their mistaken assumptions or to challenge them to love their husbands in all God-honoring ways. I’ve also encountered some husbands who feel that any discussion of marital sex among women is sinful and would be a violation of women teaching the gospel (what is right and wrong biblically). However, in light of the above verse in Titus, the older women ARE instructed to train the younger women to “love their husbands”. This is not an opportunity for gossip. This is a challenge to the “older women” to teach and to pray with the younger women. A husband should always be the head of the wife and they should discuss these things. The older women teaching the younger should never take precedence over a husband leading his wife.

 

We actually go to an amazing church where I can honestly say that I have the freedom to speak to my pastor and leadership about anything, and know that I will be given the truth from God’s Word. I also know that my pastor has no problems speaking bluntly and thoroughly on this subject. But, what I have also encountered is that many of our young ladies still hold very worldly and misdirected views of marital intimacy. Many of us believed for years that we knew what God’s Word said about these things. Many of us have been wrong! We’ve taken the world’s stigmas about sex and brought them into the church.

I have no problem encouraging my younger sisters (well, ANY sister really) to love their husbands… especially when it comes to physical intimacy. Here are a few books if you have any doubts or concerns about what is or is NOT allowed according to the Word of God or how awesome marital sex should be:

  • The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (And You Thought Bad Girls Have All the Fun) –  By: Sheila W. Gregoire
  • Intimacy Ignited: Kindling Your Love Life With the Song of Solomon – By: Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus (& husbands) — this is a GREAT bible study for husbands and wives to do together!
  • Intimate Issues: Conversations Woman-to-Woman – By: Linda Dillow

 

There are more, but these are a few of our most recent reads that were really eye-opening even to our 25 year marriage. Just like everything in life, we may not agree with everything that they teach, but specifically on marital intimacy we have found them to be biblically accurate and honest.

 

I believe it’s past time we quit letting the devil rob our bedrooms because of some mistaken sense of privacy or propriety. God designed physical intimacy in marriage to be hot and holy. Sure, it’s between a husband and wife and should be kept that way. But, we’ve got to stop treating intimacy as if it’s some secret thing that cannot be discussed or we’ll just continue passing down intimacy issues to future generations… or continue letting the world believe that only the unsaved and sinful (or perverted) have awesome sex.

Image used with permission from David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

We are Jason & Tiffani – a couple who love Jesus without hesitation, have been married since August 1987, and have been through the fires of hell in our marriage journey. We have 6 children (2 grown and 4 young ones) and a grandchild, a shared heart for music ministry, and a calling to help other couples make their marriages be ALL that God intended them to be.

 


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10 Comments

  1. Tammy

    Thanks so much for the article! I love the Intimacy Ignited book, we used it in and another workbook for a class that I facilitated at our church. So much good information out there now. I am just praying that more and more couples will hear and take to heart these teachings and it will continue to spread through our churches and homes. I keep trying to spread the word on the changes that have taken place in our marriage and my heart. It’s amazing what the Lord will do , if you let him, and if someone is willing to open up and just tell their testimony.

    Reply
  2. Daniel Berman

    Excellent suggestions. May I offer a couple of additional resources?

    My wife founded the Christian Family Planning Network about 3 years ago as an online community to assist christian men and women with family planning and mutual encouragement in their marriages. Right now their membership is currently around 150 women and 1-2 guys who would welcome the chance to answer any questions about married sex and family planning you might have. You can find them at http://www.christianfamilyplanning.net

    Another excellent resource is “The Marriage Bed” at http://site.themarriagebed.com. The Marriage Bed provides a Christian alternative for married and engaged couples seeking information about marital intimacy. I know they have been a big encouragement to me.

    Reply
  3. Auntie Em

    A big AMEN! I am so encouraged by the growth of Christian marriage blogs- unfortunately many never look until there is a crisis in their marriage. I for one, am doing my best to share, re-post, provide links, etc… We Christians should have the best marriages anywhere, and be willing to sharer the secrets!

    Reply
  4. Citra

    I didn’t make her happy and I didn’t act like I loved her anymore or paid her any aittneton. I prayed for her to come back and chased her to prove how badly I wanted to be with her and after 2.5 years she gave my another chance and we got remarried after that and had 3 more kids. I didn’t want to loose her again so I did everything I could to make her happy. We went to counseling, we spent more time with our kids and each other, and I did everything I could to keep us together. About 4 years later, she started acting very distant towards me and the kids. She started spending more time with our best friends a couple we had known for 8 years, their 2 kids had been best friends with our kids. When I raised questions about this, she said that she needed time away from the family so I backed off. Over a 3 year period, she slowly was more and more distant and spending more time with friends. Her best friend over time confided in me that my wife was spending more and more time with my best friend, her husband and thought they were having an affair. I told her she was being crazy, that they would never do that to our families. Months after that, my wife became pregnant and I thought that this new child would bring us together. When she was 5 months pregnant , she came by my job with divorce papers, said you’re not the father and left. I was stunned and embarrassed. I didn’t want to believe it. I went home and all her things were gone and she went to the children’s school and told them we were getting a divorce. I called her and demanded to know why she was leaving again and she told me that she had been having a 2 year affair with my best friend and her unborn child was his. I broke down. To think I trusted her, and to hear that was disgusting. I went to his house and confronted him. He said that my wife loved him and she was going to leave me and we ended up fighting and his neighbors broke it up. The next night, his wife called me and said that he told her about the affair and the baby and that her husband was leaving her. I wanted so bad for her to come back and I still do. Its been 3 years and she’s still with him. After her daughter was born, we got a DNA test and he was the dad and now they also have a son together. He’s gotten a divorce from his wife and my wife is trying to divorce me again but I just want her to be with me. Call me crazy but, I love her and I still want to work it out with her. My children are very upset when they visit their mother as well as his children are upset when they visit and everything is very complicated right now. I’ve begged her to come back but she just won’t. I’m willing to forgive her and to except her two children, so is there anything I can do?

    Reply
    • erinmbaxter

      Citra,
      I am so sorry to hear about this struggle you have had. I can’t imagine the heart break you have and are feeling. I do not think you are crazy. You made a vow to love, honor, and cherish your wife until you part by death and you are remaining faithful to that vow. From what I know, you have been on the right track and I impressed and humbled by your dedication. As far as what you can do, I believe you have done it. You have continued to love her, you have continued to remain faithful, and you have shared with her that you want to reconcile and that you want to forgive. as hard as this situation is, I believe it’s in God’s hands now. That does not mean you should give up. Stay strong, be available, and pray pray PRAY for God to work. He is faithful and though the answers may not look exactly like we would want them to, I know He WILL answer. I am praying for you and trust that God will work. God bless you for your dedication and faithfulness.

      Erin

      Reply
    • PHee

      I have been dying to read this book!! I absolutely adore my huanbsd & I am so thankful God chose us for each other. We have been married almost 8 years and it has been a wild ride!6 years ago we picked a spot on the map & packed up all we had to move across the country. We wanted a different life for our family than we had growing up. We purchased a to-be-built home in February, found out we were pregnant in July, learned that it was twins in September & moved in October!Everything from there forward has been nothing but crazy; out of work for almost a year then two hour (each way) commuting for 2 1/2 years. 4 house moves, 3 home purchases, 2 home sales & another baby (for a total of 3 kids!) all in 5 years & we’re still madly in love While childcare & finances are often roadblocks to dates, we make time to connect as we can. I respect, support & encourage his decisions. I rest assured that he has my best interest at heart & he knows that I trust him completely. We leave love notes for each other often & I do my best to let him know each day that we were thinking of him and appreciate his time away at work.However, as a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom to 3 kids under 5 1/2, I find myself exhausted & struggling. I am discovering how much my self-esteem ties into the bedroom and how I struggle with the balance of taking care of the kids, the house & the marriage. I know in my head & heart that the marriage has to come first, but I need some practical ideas, insight & encouragement. Sorry for the lengthy comment & thank you!

      Reply
      • Erin Baxter

        Thank you so much for your comment! Your ride of life these last 8 years does, indeed, sound like a wild one! But I am so encouraged by your admiration and love for your husband through it all! One of those things might break a relationship but it sounds like you have been staying strong through it all!
        As a stay-at-home mom myself, I know how hard it can be to juggle everything and keep your priorities straight. My first word of of advice is to seek the Lord above all. He will direct your steps and smooth the road for everything else as long as He is first. Second, pick a night and do date night every week to keep your marriage a priority as well. Even if you do not have the funds to go out for a date, plan to stay up a little longer one night, have dessert, do a movie night, make it a sexy game night… the possibilities are endless, even at home! This may give you time to really focus on the hubby and to have quality time together. I hope that helps!!

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