Guest Post: Do Your Friends Support Your Sex Life?

Posted in Guest Post, Marriage Monday, Sex talk with 3 comments

It is always a blessing to have someone guest post for me, but this week more than ever I am extremely grateful as we are moving into our new house and this preggo is worn out. I am very thankful for my talented and generous ministry partner and friend, J, to write for me today. You may remember J from a previous guest post. J writes anonymously over at Hot, Holy and Humorous and gives an insightful and humorous take on marital sex.  I highly recommend checking her stuff out. She is a perfect contributor to “Sex Talk Monday” and I think you will enjoy what you are about to read. Thank you again, J!

Let’s talk about sex.

I have an uncanny ability to find myself in conversations about sexuality with girlfriends. I’m not always the one to introduce the topic, but I am comfortable discussing it. God blessed marriages with physical intimacy, and I want to encourage couples to fully enjoy this gift and make it an integral part of their relationship.

However, many Christian women speak out against sex rather than for it. Sometimes it’s a comment made with presumed jest: “I told my husband he couldn’t touch my girly stuff until after he touched up the paint job.” Or a complaint: “I can’t walk through the room in a nightgown without him attacking me.” A statement of indifference: “I don’t care for sex, but we have it a couple of times a month.” Or even a negative declaration: “I hate sex, and I would be happy if we never had it again.”

To be honest, most of my friends think I’m as rare as an albino alligator—a Christian wife who loves sex. Good gracious! I should be put on display and tour the country. In fact, I recall a specific conversation with close girlfriends that turned to the topic of marital intimacy. I put in my two cents and was dismissed by another lady who joked, “We can’t ask you; you like sex.”

Standing up for rockin’ sex in marriage can be a lonely endeavor. At times, it has felt futile. No matter what I say, some gals seem determined to treat sex like an obligation or a bartering tool in marriage.Thank goodness that I do have beautiful women of God in my life who, like me, are on God’s plan for sexuality in their marriage. For instance, my best friend lets me bounce blog post ideas off her and has offered some terrific wisdom. She and her husband have their own story of challenges, but she has pursued healthy sexuality in her marriage as part of God’s blessing from Day One and reaped the benefits. There are fellow female bloggers who speak well of sex in marriage (Kate Aldrich, Lori Byerly, Julie Sibert, Sheila Gregoire, and Erin here at Mystery32 among them), and I am pleased that they have become friends as well.

I think every Christian woman needs others in her life willing to speak out in favor of marital intimacy. Too often, we can find ourselves in conversations with people who intentionally or unwittingly diminish the importance of great sex with our husbands. It is not biblical to refuse your spouse. It is not biblical to make your husband drag you to the bedroom (symbolically, of course). It is not biblical to participate in intercourse like it’s your child’s first band concert (You’re only there for them, and you hope it’s over quickly). It is not biblical to discourage your friends from having what God designed for them—a healthy sex life with their mate.

Instead, I want to hang out with some gals who find sex in marriage to be hot, holy, and humorous—like I do. It is indeed all of those things. I am blessed to have girlfriends who encourage me to make it hotter, holier, and humorouser. Oh wait, not that last one. I do that on my own.

Do you have friends like that? Do your friends encourage you to have the right attitude? Do they give you tips when you need them? Have they suggested you seek help or get answers when there are problems?

Do your friends support your sex life? Are you that kind of friend?


J is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She writes anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.


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  1. Paul Byerly

    Once people know you are willing to discuss sex, as a Christian, they come out of the woodwork to do so. A lot of Christians are desperate for some solid, positive support for sex.

    So, a huge thanks to J and Erin for doing their part, and an encouragement for others to do the same. We need a lot more albino alligators!

  2. Dave 2

    I will preface this comment by saying that I do not feel that all married sexuality issues have the wife at the center. “Fixing” her is a poor place to begin repairing relationship issues. If you want to talk to your wife about relationship issues you would do well to remember and consider that it takes the involvement of another person to have a “relationship,” and that “repairing” plays better on the ear than “fixing.” The husbands play a big part here too, but, since this was written by a woman, about women, for women, here goes:

    When you hear Christian women express negative attitudes about sexuality, you realize how necessary this type of ministry is. Whether they have a misguided concept of sexuality, trouble openly expressing their sexuality, or problems with their relationship with their marriage partner, there is a need to be met. As diametrically opposed as it sounds, sometimes there are simple solutions to seemingly complex problems but we have to be willing to admit to an issue and then seek help dealing with it. To be aware of what God intended to be a necessary part of a proper husband/wife relationsip and not have a positive attitude about it speaks to the need for a change of heart, mind, and spirit. The very moment a wife, a Christian wife specifially, thinks or speaks about her sexuality or sexual relationship with her husband in a negative, shameful or dismissive way, she is endangering the marriage covenant she shares and the commitment she made. Her attitude toward sexuality will build a wall between the two of them and limit the joy and total fulfillment of their marriage.

    If you are one of these women, I encourage you to reflect upon how this issue is limiting the joy, pleasure, intimacy and connectedness you could be sharing with your husband. Sex is the primary way we feel connected to our wives. If you sense a feeling of disconnect with your mate, perhaps recognizing, admitting to and then seeking help with sexuality issues will restore that connection. The “Song of Songs (aka “Song of Solomon”) is part of the Bible as God’s inspired word. Its inclusion demonstrates what God desire for a healthy, positive, joyous and, most importantly, holy and blessed relationship between husband and wife. To think that it should somehow be less is not only a mistake, but is ignoring God’s desire and plan for marriage. I am not using this example and opinion to create a feeling of guilt in a wife, I bring it up to point out that there is, in effect (if you feel the need to express it that way), biblical permission to feel positive and good about having a sexual nature and expressing it freely and openly with your mate, whether husband or wife. I do not feel it is “in effect,” at all. I personally feel it is “explicit” permission. If you feel the same but still are conflicted, I encourage you to seek wise consul in whatever way is comfortable for you. You have nothing to loose and your marriage has so much to gain. If you begin to have self-doubts again, refer back to “Song of Songs” for God’s consul on the matter. When no one else does, He has your best interest at heart.

    God bless and guide all you beautiful ladies out there who daily (and nightly) deal with this issue. Trying not to sound too selfish and self-absorbed here, all of us husbands are pulling for you. Let us know how we can help. We are nowhere near as intuitive as you wives. Sometimes we just don’t get it and need specific direction.