Just Ask.

Posted in Marriage Monday, Sex talk with 7 comments


Sex is such a hard topic in marriage. You probably know you should be having more of it, you should be trying new things, and you should be making your spouse a priority in the bedroom. And while those things are all true, I don’t think they are really the reasons why married couples are going weeks/months/years without being intimate. I think the major issues come down to this: “Want to?” And “Yes.”

I’d like to tackle both of these issues, but today I will start with the question. Or maybe I should say, the initiation. You probably already know where I am going with this. Initiating is probably one of the most difficult barriers between you and your spouse getting it on. My guess is that one of these scenarios might be happening in your home:

  • “He ALWAYS wants to.”
  • “She NEVER asks.”
  • “It’s his turn.”
  • “She’ll say no.”
  • “I never think about it.”
  • “That’s his job.”
  • “Don’t even go there.”
  • “You wanted it the other night?”
  • “I thought you would ask.”
  • “I was just waiting for you.”

Sound familiar? It’s like that awkward period of time wondering if your jr. high crush likes you back. But some of us are still doing this after years of marriage. We are still trying to figure out the best way to ask and how to go about it.

And even before I get into that, let me say this: Talk to your spouse. Communication is key to a good sex life. Talk to your husband about how you would like him to initiate, tell your wife that you would like her to initiate more. And when you talk to them, do so gently. Ask how you can change and what would be beneficial to them.

Here are a few options for initiating:

  1. Schedule. For some, this might sound like a horrible idea, but for others, this is ideal and makes sex a priority. Whether it’s every Wednesday and Friday, every other day, or it’s something you decide based on the week’s schedule and mark on your calendar, scheduling sex can be a great way to initiate and get on the same page. It will promote talking about sex with one another and it will guarantee it as much as possible. Remember to be a little flexible with the schedule. Never let your scheduled time go by on normal days, but remember that life happens. If your child is up and sick, there is a rare emergency work situation, or something else comes up that prevents sexy time, just push it back a day. A schedule is there to help you connect, do not use it as something you hold over one another and become ruled by.
  2. Simply ask. There are many ways to do it and you most likely have your own language when it comes to this topic. Maybe you have a code word that you might throw out, or a way you already ask already. You may need to simply say “I miss being with you. Do you think we could have sex tonight?” However you ask, do it sweetly and thoughtfully. Try and choose a good time and let them know you care about them, not just yourself.
  3. Flirt. There are many ways to flirt to initiate. You could send some suggestive text messages throughout the day, leave a note on their car, or maybe slightly mention that you would like to see them in the bedroom when they come home as you talk to them over the phone. Flirting keeps a marriage young and can be incredibly beneficial for your marriage.
  4. Be passionate. Throw that lady against the wall (gently, of course) as she is walking by you and lay a passionate kiss on her lips. Walk out in some new lingerie, take his hand, and lead him to the bedroom. Use your imagination and sweep them off their feet!

There are many ways you can initiate sex. I think the best thing you can do for your marriage is ask, and to not be afraid to change things up. Even if you choose to schedule sex, it never hurts to throw in a passionate request every now and then! And remember that this is not one person’s job. Both husband and wife should be initiating sex. Instead of trying to wait until the other asks, think of it as racing to see who will ask first!

There are a million more ways to ask your husband or wife to have sex. What’s your favorite way to be asked?

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  1. Jay Dee - SexWithinMarriage.com

    My favorite way of asking is not asking. Just start doing. It’s sort of like sales. You don’t ask the client IF they want to buy the product, you ask when you can deliver it, or how they want it, or how they are going to pay for it (don’t pay for sex).

    What I mean is, stop asking and just start doing. Assume sex is happening, now. Of course, if your spouse gives you a hard “No” then back off.

  2. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

    Well stated! I was recently talking to a wife who admitted that she and her husband had missed out on some sexual encounters simply because their signals got crossed. Sometimes, you have to be very clear and say what you want.

  3. Andrew

    I believe sex starts when you wake up, you let your wife/husband know you love them, simple words, a gentle non threatening touch with the words spoken clearly with a cheery, have a good day and I’ll see you tonight. When you come home, initiate the conversation, this immediately lets you know how your spouse feels, listen carefully, give a hug or 2 or …… you get the picture, make them a tea or coffee or pour a drink if you do that. Do the dishes after dinner, turn or leave the telly off, or if you have a romantic movie your lady likes, (action if that’s Her preference) cuddle up on the couch or massage her feet, men, do this for your lady and they will love you for it, whether or not you have sex, intimacy is serving the other because you love them UNCONDITIONALLY, they don’t need to do or say anything to hear and feel loved by you. This brings out the best intimacy in both of you and as you grow together, the sex, the intimacy, the love just gets better. I love my wife more each day, and I know the feelings are shared, my wife tells me often, at first I struggled with this touchy, feely, need of ‘hers’, now that I understand my woman needs this (The 5 love languages is a great book), I enjoy making my gift from God happy and this enjoyment is contagious

  4. Sarah Albert

    Thank you for sharing! ..very informative and absolutely effective.
    Thank you again,God bless.