This morning my kids ran into the bathroom as I was getting ready and screamed “Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy!” They were each holding a mylar balloon and were carrying small gift bags filled with tissue paper. I read their cards, noticed how my 5 year old now draws pictures of me with a full body (head, torso, legs, and arms) which is different then the head with legs from just one year ago. He also drew a his first heart in the card and signed his name perfectly, with no backwards floating letters. He had bought me a small lady bug wind chime from the dollar store. I’ve never wanted a wind chime before, but it was one of the best gifts I have ever received. I then opened my 2 year old daughter’s gift. It was a picture frame (also of high dollar store quality), with a precious picture inside that she had colored. She made sure to show me that she drew “an H for Hallie” in the picture as well, which is the one and only letter she can write right now, but that we are all very proud of. As I read their cards and saw their sweet faces of excitement, I cried.
I always cry on Mother’s Day. It brings out my deepest of emotions. This day is both my favorite and one that breaks my heart. I cry tears of happiness and of sorrow. This day is both precious and hard. Here are some of the other reasons why I cry today:
I cry when I think back to my 25 year old self in 2012. Just 6 weeks past my miscarriage, watching other mom’s be honored in church on Mother’s Day while I sat there feeling empty and broken. I cry for my friends who are still waiting, who know that hurt all too well and are still waiting to hold their own baby in their arms.
I cry because I am humbled. While my wait for children felt long at the time, it was so short in comparison to the years I know so many others have waited. I cry because the Lord answered my deepest and most painful cry out to him. I have never prayed so hard for anything as much as I prayed for a child, and he answered that prayer. I cry thinking back to my first mother’s day with my sweet, 6 week old boy. He was born just days after the anniversary of my miscarriage and fulfilled the promise I felt God had made to me. My Isaac, my gift.
I cry when I think of mom’s who have lost their children, and who have a hole in their heart that will never be filled. The mom’s that are celebrated today, but cannot fully enjoy it when one reason for their motherhood is missing. The internet makes the world feel a bit smaller and I have followed several mama’s who have suffered this loss. I watched my own mom lose a child and know that even now, two decades later, she still feels that hole and always will.
I cry thinking of my friends who have lost their own mom’s way too soon. Who are feel torn between feeling celebrated today and wishing they had their own moms to celebrate. I cry as I humbly thank the Lord that both Matt and I have mom’s to celebrate again this year.
I cry as I am loved by my husband. Who teaches his children to love their mommy and makes sure my day is special. Who encourages me to rest and does the tedious things that can wear me down day after day.
I cry because my kids are too young to understand what mother’s day really means. That it should be a time for letting mommy relax. I cry because instead of this, they melt down in the car, throw fits about their food, and scream about taking naps (a nap they obviously need). I cry as they run from the one picture I want to have with them today and complain about the sun being too bright to smile when I finally get them to sit.
I cry as I receive texts from fellow moms who have walked this journey with me. Who have encouraged me, prayed for me, and have let me just talk when the days are hard. The friends who watch my kids for me, who help raise them with me, and who have been there through every change, stage, and growth. I cry because I am blessed beyond measure by the community God has set up in my life.
Mother’s Day makes me cry. For good reasons and for bad. Because being a mother is the most difficult thing I have ever done but it is also the title I feel most privileged to have. I prayed for motherhood. I delight in motherhood. I praise God every day that I get to raise my children. But no other role has ever been as emotional as being a mom. So I will cry and be happy. I will cry and be sad. But overall, I will cry big grateful tears as I think of the blessings upon blessings that I have been given on this journey.
Happy happy Mother’s Day to all of you that are emotional for whatever reason today as well. You are loved.
Surprised to see me blogging again? It’s only been 3ish years! Oops! Honestly, I am surprised too. I have written several blog posts over the past few weeks as the Lord has started to lay things on my heart again. I’ve waited until his timing to post them, and was not expecting to write this today, but I’ll continue to follow His lead. Make sure to follow Mystery32 on Facebook to continue to see when the next post may show up (possibly sooner than later).